Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Days pass by in the months after the first day of fall...
With each day comes new challenges and blessings. Since my last entry there have been definitely enough of both. But what I want to do with this entry is talk about thoughts that pertain to a photo.
So in this photo, people are doing various things... There is a man looking sternly out at the public on the left, and on the right there is a picture of a courtroom full of African Americans. I was sitting in the history lounge and I was looking for a shot to start off my series of photo blogs and found this one... A girl sitting next to me asked what I was doing taking a picture of papers and magazines... so I told her "I am going to blog about it". So then she asked what I would blog about with this photo... and I told her...
"I would... well... hmmmm.... I would probably blog about the people.... the people in the photo. These people in this courtroom. Numerous people are in this one room, all representing one life, all representing a different mind, a different family, a different purpose or opinion; just a different being all together. You look at each face and realize that there is a life separate than your own. They each think different and have experienced life different. Each person here is probably dead and gone, but they were all apart of the story of mankind. It's interesting to think about the fact that we will just be people in a photograph one day. So with this photo i'll blog about how each life represents a different story..."
That is what I told her in a nut shell... so I figure it will work for now :)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
"Pray for the courage to seek God's will above all others..."
I really try, wait that's weak, maybe that's because my effort to seek His will has been weak. Yes i'm being hard on myself because it's what I do... I want to conquer who I am... I know I need God, and I know that with His help we can conquer Kris. I can conquer me.
Domination of will is such a struggle, yet it remains an integral part of our existence. I want to say things and do things that I feel right about but know these things would create conflict... Somedays... every minute seems to be a battle, especially when talking. I just want to say exactly what I feel all the time.
Even though I am so blessed... I have these thoughts of worthlessness... Like... randomly... I can't really explain it... like right now... I had a pretty good day... yet I feel like total and utter crap. Just awful worthless crap. Like... God where do these feelings come from and how do I deal with them without just throwing them under the rug... I guess what I'm trying to say is how do I really give them to you God? I hear it all the time, but what the hell does that mean...? How do we just give things to you, our divine God? How do I truly give you my worries and doubts and fears?
Man it does feel good to talk about this stuff, but on the same note, it doesn't deal with it. I still need direction in this area.... Last week, at the end... I was feeling pretty good about things, and today I woke up and felt like a truck ran through my life. Why this cycle you may ask... but honestly I do not know... Soon I feel though, I will need to figure out the roots of this awful tree growing in my life... because... it could put me in a state of mind no one wants to be in...
So yea, I think this is one of the more random posts I've made, but it's just what's going through my head at this moment, eastern time...
God Bless all
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Today, marks, the fourth of my five fall break experiences...
One more undergraduate fall break...
That is crazy to think about...
Anywho... I am starting the fall break off right: STAYING UP LATE! I am online currently browsing facebook and skyping. It's great, because the talk and conversation I am carrying on is just absolutely refreshing... and it's as if I have been drinking slightly salty water for months, and years, and all of a sudden I am surrounded by ice cold bottled water! God is most definitely good, and I am praying that this time I can sink my teeth into His will for my life. I've been in such a dark haze of late. Everything has seemed dull and borderline worthless. Music and my British Empire class have been two of the only things keeping me afloat, and the band has been tougher, but is improving... Then a friend talked to me, and made me realize that... "Wow, I really need to take another look at my life, and step back, and listen to God. Not just listen to Him, but truly pursue Him and seek His heart"
God is in the chaotic mess that is life. God is truly ready to pick us up when we need Him. In this case, he used one of my really good friends to talk some sense into me. I was definitely contemplating making some seriously bad decisions and the whole time in moments of strength i'd cry out to God for anything He could give. He did show up in my life, and let down the safety line, it was up to me to grab hold and not let go... for the longest time I have been sitting in the water deciding whether to grab the rope. These days, I decided to grab it, and hold on, to start letting the power of God lift me out of my $hitty mindset and into His arms.
God has placed some specific people in my life, and I need to be grateful that He has allowed me to have such great friends and mentors. I need to just keep digging into who He's made me to be, because I think i'm on the verge of a breakthrough.
God thank you for raising my spirits, please give me the courage to seek to please you above all others on this earth.