Monday, February 28, 2011

A Day in the Life Of

So... today, this weekend, the last few days... have been pretty unproductive.

I'm so ready for Thursday. That day means I will be able to drive my amazing girlfriend to my house for the weekend and get to visit with my family. I am so in need of a time away I can taste it. These days have been so rough. Not for any reason any other than I just am hurting with a missing feeling. I've not longed for something like this, maybe ever?

The crazy part is that, this feeling I have... I believe is the pain that God feels for us everyday when we aren't paying attention to Him (not saying that Kait isn't paying attention to me, don't get me wrong she's awesome :)). But what I do mean, is me and Kait are physically apart by ten hours and 500 miles. When we are apart from God, it pains Him... As it does us when we are apart from those we love. No one could be doing anything wrong at all, and it will still hurt like hell.

I love Kait and I know that she loves me, but damn... it still hurts like crazy to be away from her. This week I have to manage to get a ton done and not get distracted with my feelings - that's been extremely hard lately, but I know, with God's help, I can do it!

Anyways, just some food for thought.

God Bless


PS btw... Kait is an amazing woman as well as an awesome girlfriend, this post was not saying that I'm worried about how she feels about me. It probably doesn't need to be said, but i wanted to clarify. Cause... She's AMAZING!!!! In every way. So yea... don't doubt it! :)

Friday, February 25, 2011

Great Strides in Faith n' Such

Today, while I was cleaning up after a workout, I was pondering to myself about life. I was wondering why I've been so down, insignificant, unworthy, selfish, horrible, (add any other adjective representative of loneliness and self pity and you got it)? I came to thinking that I should pray. I was actually praying while I was running earlier, but I hadn't felt like I had gotten anywhere.

Today, plans had changed with various things regarding Spring Break, and it sucks. I just want Kait to be home so I can see her. I just want to be done with undergraduate studies. I just want to be with my friends from Evangel (no offense to people at HU, i'm just idk having withdraws). I just want to be done with all the shit that I feel like barrages me on a daily basis. "DAMMIT, why does life have to be so hard?" So in utter frustration, singing #BreakingBenjamin in the shower, I came to a Revelation. My mind can be altered by God, or in this case what I feel like He gave me for thought.

So... with that I started to think through how I was feeling, and how the majority of the feelings were understandable, but unnecessary to get all upset about. I live ten hours away from my girlfriend, so what? I love her. I knew that getting into this relationship that there would be trials and difficulties. I want to marry her one day and I'm not going to let a little loneliness and self pity ruin what little time I have to talk to her.

Yes I'm not apart of the band anymore, big whup! I still can play guitar. I still can rock out for God. I still can write music. It's not the end of the world. I still have the friendships even if I'm not included in the band discussions. Again another selfish, self-pity complaint of mine. Worthless for anything, just a waste of thought and air.

These were two big examples. A good friend of mine on the worship team I play on told me that he felt "The enemy was hitting members of the team hard because good things were happening at church." I have heard that a million times, and I don't deny there's truth to it, but today, the truth of it hit me in the face. I was taken aback by the sheer truth that was amidst the words of encouragement he shared with me this week.

Then finally back to the prayer during the song "Until The End". I believe... honestly... ok I thought about this, and I do know in my heart, that this thought I'm about to share was from God. I can try to discredit Him all day, and let the enemy have another victory, but not this time. The reason I know is I've been in such a crappy mood today that I wouldn't have thought of this. But God revealed to me, that I can change this thought process. I CAN THINK POSITIVE. He's given me so much. I have so much to be thankful for.

I am going to school and studying what I love. I am in love with one His most beautiful creations: Kait Mullin :). I am a gifted guitarist. I am becoming a more gifted song-writer. I have a loving family, and some pretty damn good friends. EFF YOU SATAN! I will not be down on myself (for now, I might lapse into a state of self-pity again, that's how the cycle seems to go). I may at another time be put back, but for now, I will stand in His freedom in JESUS NAME. I feel like I can conquer anything because God has freed me from my self-doubt. I will praise Him who has set me free.

God, Thank You SO MUCH!


Saturday, February 19, 2011

It's just one of those days...

Today, some serious stuff happened. My life will be forever changed. I'm not going to go into detail, but I want to talk through some things I've been thinking. In the midst of indecision, confusion, pain, uncertainty, and a desire to have an objective, I've found myself letting go of something I once held dear. I still love the group of people, want to be friends, and want to enjoy their company, but I can't help thinking that I may possibly be the biggest douche in the world. Did I lead them on? Who will ever know? I know it wasn't my intention to hurt. Life has been happening to me a bit fast, and I'm extremely thankful for the opportunities that have been presented. It's been a great ride, but it's time for me to grow up.

I'm looking at Law School, I'm looking to get married, I'm looking to be a provider for a family. I cannot put time into something that will hinder the development of that, even if it has been one of the greatest sources of joy I've ever experienced. This sucks, I can't stand it, but I can't do anything about it. EFF. (*$&(@*#$&*(@#$&@#)(*$&@#)($*&@#$()*&@#$ @&#^$*&@#^$*&@#^$*&@#^$*&@#^$*&@#^$*&@#$^@*#&$^ #@*&$^@#*&$^@#*&$^@#$*&@^#$

-That's what I want to say right now, really loud so everyone can hear me-

But I will refrain. So... pray... pray some more... and if you think of it, pray that God would tend to my possibly self-inflicted wounds. Thanks


Sunday Bloody Sunday...

Heard this version of Sunday Bloody Sunday today, and I couldn't pass up posting it!!!!

This is Vitamin Dub's Dub Tribute to U2, Sunday Bloody Sunday



Saturday, February 12, 2011

Crunchin Time...

Today, I watched like four episodes of Battlestar Galactica. It's a great show. I can't seem to stay motivated to do school work for the life of me. I have gotten some other things done, but man I try to crack open a book and it's worthless. My weekdays have grown immensely with productivity, but the weekends still lack any motivation.

I could really use some advice as to how to jump start some desire to kick some tail and work hard... If anyone has any ideas, please enlighten me. I am all ears.

Now i'm already running out of things to talk about. Oh and I really really miss my amazing girlfriend who is 10 hours away, and who I won't get to see until Valentine's Day. I hope she loves my present. I'm pretty excited for her to get it.

Anyways... yea that's it for now.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

On the brink...


I was going to get up earlier. I was going to work harder. I was going to not worry. I was going to not get all worked up. I was going to do better.

I set out everyday in my attempt to do better, in whose eyes? My own? Well by that standard it's like i'm never good enough. I've never accomplished enough. Ok so look to God's standards. God have I accomplished enough? That's funny, I don't hear a response... That's typical with me though. I really struggle hearing from God. I have never quite known what people mean when they say they've heard from God. Does He audibly speak to them, write them a note, strike lightning in their front yard, or light a bush on fire? I don't get it... AT ALL! Why do I have to continually feel inadequate, especially when I have so much going for me. It's like I truly can't do enough. I can't be good enough. What in the hell makes me feel this way? I know that I am doing a lot of things that God is pleased with, I know that it looks like I'm working hard to a lot of people, but it's like I know that I can do better. I know that I can work harder. Stress is more than it's ever been. I think about things I've worried about in the past and laugh, because if, if I could just worry about that stuff now. Life is far more worrisome, the older I get.

Since almost everyone knows now - haha - I might as well say it. I have found what I've been looking for. Yes I've thought in the past I had found it. But now I know. God has been so gracious in bringing me together with a beautiful woman who loves me for me. I know beyond the shadow of doubt that she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. With that said though... back to what I was saying

It's because of that and other things that I want to be better, but I perpetually place myself under monumental stress and it never goes away! WHY??!?!?!?!!! I'm turning into my father I feel like, and I do not want to be a workaholic. I want to be a family man, a good husband, a good father. I want to be the man God has created me to be, but I feel like I could just curl up into a ball and cry some days. There is way too much going on in my life to handle I feel like. But almost everything is essential...

Idk what to do, anyways, if you read this pray for me. Thank you!