I really try, wait that's weak, maybe that's because my effort to seek His will has been weak. Yes i'm being hard on myself because it's what I do... I want to conquer who I am... I know I need God, and I know that with His help we can conquer Kris. I can conquer me.
Domination of will is such a struggle, yet it remains an integral part of our existence. I want to say things and do things that I feel right about but know these things would create conflict... Somedays... every minute seems to be a battle, especially when talking. I just want to say exactly what I feel all the time.
Even though I am so blessed... I have these thoughts of worthlessness... Like... randomly... I can't really explain it... like right now... I had a pretty good day... yet I feel like total and utter crap. Just awful worthless crap. Like... God where do these feelings come from and how do I deal with them without just throwing them under the rug... I guess what I'm trying to say is how do I really give them to you God? I hear it all the time, but what the hell does that mean...? How do we just give things to you, our divine God? How do I truly give you my worries and doubts and fears?
Man it does feel good to talk about this stuff, but on the same note, it doesn't deal with it. I still need direction in this area.... Last week, at the end... I was feeling pretty good about things, and today I woke up and felt like a truck ran through my life. Why this cycle you may ask... but honestly I do not know... Soon I feel though, I will need to figure out the roots of this awful tree growing in my life... because... it could put me in a state of mind no one wants to be in...
So yea, I think this is one of the more random posts I've made, but it's just what's going through my head at this moment, eastern time...
God Bless all
-Kris-
No comments:
Post a Comment