Today, while I was cleaning up after a workout, I was pondering to myself about life. I was wondering why I've been so down, insignificant, unworthy, selfish, horrible, (add any other adjective representative of loneliness and self pity and you got it)? I came to thinking that I should pray. I was actually praying while I was running earlier, but I hadn't felt like I had gotten anywhere.
Today, plans had changed with various things regarding Spring Break, and it sucks. I just want Kait to be home so I can see her. I just want to be done with undergraduate studies. I just want to be with my friends from Evangel (no offense to people at HU, i'm just idk having withdraws). I just want to be done with all the shit that I feel like barrages me on a daily basis. "DAMMIT, why does life have to be so hard?" So in utter frustration, singing #BreakingBenjamin in the shower, I came to a Revelation. My mind can be altered by God, or in this case what I feel like He gave me for thought.
So... with that I started to think through how I was feeling, and how the majority of the feelings were understandable, but unnecessary to get all upset about. I live ten hours away from my girlfriend, so what? I love her. I knew that getting into this relationship that there would be trials and difficulties. I want to marry her one day and I'm not going to let a little loneliness and self pity ruin what little time I have to talk to her.
Yes I'm not apart of the band anymore, big whup! I still can play guitar. I still can rock out for God. I still can write music. It's not the end of the world. I still have the friendships even if I'm not included in the band discussions. Again another selfish, self-pity complaint of mine. Worthless for anything, just a waste of thought and air.
These were two big examples. A good friend of mine on the worship team I play on told me that he felt "The enemy was hitting members of the team hard because good things were happening at church." I have heard that a million times, and I don't deny there's truth to it, but today, the truth of it hit me in the face. I was taken aback by the sheer truth that was amidst the words of encouragement he shared with me this week.
Then finally back to the prayer during the song "Until The End". I believe... honestly... ok I thought about this, and I do know in my heart, that this thought I'm about to share was from God. I can try to discredit Him all day, and let the enemy have another victory, but not this time. The reason I know is I've been in such a crappy mood today that I wouldn't have thought of this. But God revealed to me, that I can change this thought process. I CAN THINK POSITIVE. He's given me so much. I have so much to be thankful for.
I am going to school and studying what I love. I am in love with one His most beautiful creations: Kait Mullin :). I am a gifted guitarist. I am becoming a more gifted song-writer. I have a loving family, and some pretty damn good friends. EFF YOU SATAN! I will not be down on myself (for now, I might lapse into a state of self-pity again, that's how the cycle seems to go). I may at another time be put back, but for now, I will stand in His freedom in JESUS NAME. I feel like I can conquer anything because God has freed me from my self-doubt. I will praise Him who has set me free.
God, Thank You SO MUCH!
-Kristopher-
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