On the brink...

Today...

I was going to get up earlier. I was going to work harder. I was going to not worry. I was going to not get all worked up. I was going to do better.

I set out everyday in my attempt to do better, in whose eyes? My own? Well by that standard it's like i'm never good enough. I've never accomplished enough. Ok so look to God's standards. God have I accomplished enough? That's funny, I don't hear a response... That's typical with me though. I really struggle hearing from God. I have never quite known what people mean when they say they've heard from God. Does He audibly speak to them, write them a note, strike lightning in their front yard, or light a bush on fire? I don't get it... AT ALL! Why do I have to continually feel inadequate, especially when I have so much going for me. It's like I truly can't do enough. I can't be good enough. What in the hell makes me feel this way? I know that I am doing a lot of things that God is pleased with, I know that it looks like I'm working hard to a lot of people, but it's like I know that I can do better. I know that I can work harder. Stress is more than it's ever been. I think about things I've worried about in the past and laugh, because if, if I could just worry about that stuff now. Life is far more worrisome, the older I get.

Since almost everyone knows now - haha - I might as well say it. I have found what I've been looking for. Yes I've thought in the past I had found it. But now I know. God has been so gracious in bringing me together with a beautiful woman who loves me for me. I know beyond the shadow of doubt that she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. With that said though... back to what I was saying

It's because of that and other things that I want to be better, but I perpetually place myself under monumental stress and it never goes away! WHY??!?!?!?!!! I'm turning into my father I feel like, and I do not want to be a workaholic. I want to be a family man, a good husband, a good father. I want to be the man God has created me to be, but I feel like I could just curl up into a ball and cry some days. There is way too much going on in my life to handle I feel like. But almost everything is essential...

Idk what to do, anyways, if you read this pray for me. Thank you!

-Kris-